The Lost Years
by JaerWolfe
Summary: A snapshot of the time after BAaT was shut down and before Kaidan Alenko chose to join the Alliance Military.


A/N: This has actually been on my hard drive for a couple of years in an unfinished state. I originally intended to finish it and give it to a friend as a birthday gift to go with others she has but it occurred to me at least one other person had read part of it before and it wouldn't be fair to leave her hanging for the now finished ending. The Kaidan in this story is Kaet's Kaidan, non-renegade, another reason it wouldn't do as a gift since the person it was intended for prefers Rache & her renegade Kaidan. Although, to be fair. This story could easily fit with either version.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko straightened from bending over, wiping the back of his hand against the sweat of his forehead, his expression showing neither pleasure nor ire. He studied the console in front of him for a moment and then nodded.

"She's running clear on all levels, Nyphus." He told the short, round volus standing near it.

A sucking breath preceded the small alien's words, a sound Kaidan was becoming used to after three months of listening to it. "Good. I'll have to test it, of course. See if the runtimes have lagged at all."

Of course he would, Kaidan thought, more amused than bitter, but even that feeling was brief.

"Do whatever tests you have to, Nyphus, but I know where the calculations are at. If I have to recalibrate it again, my rates are going to double." The words were mild enough, but the threat no less valid. Nyphus had learned the hard way that the human may have looked young and naïve, but he had been living on Garm Port long enough to know the ropes.

Nyphus actually considered it, Kaidan thought, a one sided smile lifting the corner of his mouth. There was no humor in the smile, just cynical patience. Oddly enough, it was the latter that convinced the volus to give a heavy sigh and activate his omni-tool.

"I will be unable to buy my sick young the suit he needs because your rates are so high." Nyphus breathed.

Kaidan tapped his own tool to life and watched as the balance in his account suddenly doubled. "You're breaking my heart, Nyphus. Especially since I know you'll just pass the cost onto the customers desperate enough to buy from you."

"Your words hurt, human clan." Nyphus had never quite managed the proper aggrieved tone in dealing with Kaidan.

Not that Kaidan could be bothered to care. The volus demanded quality work, not a cheerful attitude. The fact Kaidan also demanded a decent price for his skills and wouldn't be bullied into something less was simply an unfortunate side effect of dealing with him.

"Anything else you need, Nyphus?" Kaidan bent and began gathering his tech kit, carefully stowing the fragile components. Hair long enough to freak his mother out flopped into his brown eyes and he impatiently tucked the strands behind his ear.

"Not myself, of course." Nyphus' breather sounded again. "I have a cousin, however. He asked if I knew a Techie with skills. If you take the job I should get a commission for sending work your way."

"Or you could send him to one of the other techies hanging around this Port whose work is crap and will probably do more damage than help." Kaidan commented, indifferent.

The volus breathed. "Fine. I will send you the contracts."

"Pleasure, as always, Nyphus." Kaidan gave a small salute and headed toward the more seedy side of the port.

Even three years ago it would have terrified him to be in this sort of neighborhood. For all that it was a mostly human port, it was as alien to him as the asari home world. Jump Zero hadn't even been able to completely prepare him for his first several months here and the adjustment he'd had to make from knowing neutral but friendly enough companions to those blatantly hostile that would kill him for a decent pair of shoes.

They couldn't fathom that someone as polite as he was, as respectful as he was, was just as much a killer as they were.

Hunh. Forty-seven minutes, he mused glancing at the chrono on his omni-tool. A new record for how long he'd gone without thinking about what he'd done. About how she'd reacted. Or which had changed him more.

"How are you today, Kaidan?" A friendly enough voice asked from the corner near a food kiosk.

Ah, he'd been expecting this. It had been four days since the last contact via vid link so they were now due a face to face.

"Fine, Lynch. How are you?" Kaidan answered not bothering to look at the other man as he punched in an order for a basic, nutrient enriched flavorless sludge that would take the edge off his hunger and hopefully keep the migraine he could feel at the edges of his brain from coming any closer.

If not for his stupid souped up metabolism he probably could have afforded passage somewhere else. Anywhere else. Somewhere not here. Maybe somewhere far enough away to outrun his memories as well.

"That stuff will kill you." Lynch's voice broke into his thoughts and Kaidan put a quick dampen on the blue mist snarling angrily from his fingers.

If they could prove he was out of control, prove that he was unstable, they would take him into custody. For his own good, of course.

Slowly, carefully, he popped the tab on the can and drained half of the sludge inside before calm brown eyes moved to the skinny man with the bright smile watching him like a buzzard circling his prey.

"I hear life will kill you, Lynch." The answer was mild, as if he were speaking of the weather.

Lynch's smile lost some of its polish. "Have you reconsidered our offer? There are plenty of perks involved. Money. Enough to get you out of that rat infested closet you call an apartment."

Kaidan frowned, considering the matter. "I actually think it's pyjaks, not rats, that are infesting it." He mused in answer before lifting the can and draining it dry.

"You could be eating real food, not this crap that barely keeps back the hunger pains." Lynch motioned to the kiosk with enough disdain that the machine should have curled in on itself and imploded in shame. "You could have clothing bought first hand that wasn't ready to split at the seams and show the ladies all your glory. And speaking of ladies…you could have…"

"Don't." Kaidan's brown eyes narrowed slightly. "No. I am not interested in anything Conatix has to offer, Lynch. I've wasted enough of my life on you."

Lynch's pale blue eyes sharpened. "Was it wasted, Kaidan? Teaching you to use your powers? Powers that the other children at BaAT would have died to possess?"

The can crumpled in Kaidan's hand. "Some of them did die, Lynch. Would you like to know their names? I'm sure you know where the bodies are buried."

"Actually, we're big on repurposing things at Conatix. It's good for the environment and keeps avoidable costs like funerals and body internment down." Lynch's smile sent a shiver of revulsion up Kaidan's spine.

"That supposed to make me want to work with you, Lynch?" Kaidan asked, careful to keep the rage and anger from sparking about him. He'd figured a new tactic was coming. He'd rejected all of their offers, they couldn't bribe or blackmail him into returning. Threatening his family inspired only a bitter shrug. Time to move to something more extreme.

Lynch didn't even bother to hide the determination in his pale gaze. "You're good, Kaidan. The best L2 we had. You should consider working with us voluntarily with all the perks and benefits we can offer before those offers go away and you're left just another insane L2 with no choice but for us to keep you contained until a cure can be found."

Kaidan's eyes began to mist with blue/black dark energy as he stared the slender company man down. "I will never work for Conatix." The words were low and controlled and Lynch was the one who looked away first.

"So you're going to waste your talent, your skills…and I don't mean as a tech…in this crappy dive when you could be doing something to benefit humanity? Something to give us the edge we need to make our way in this Universe?" Lynch's voice was outraged with patriotism.

Kaidan let the energy die and gave a weary shake of his head. "I won't use my biotics to hurt anyone ever again, Lynch. I've told you that before."

"Vyrnnus had it coming and is exactly what I'm talking about." Lynch stepped closer, his face intense. "Turians hate humans. How many of your classmates did Vyrnnus drive insane or to suicide? We need to protect humanity from the turians before another war starts."

"As many as you let him." Kaidan answered evenly. "You were the ones in charge. You were the ones who allowed him to do what he did. You are the ones responsible for his death."

"No, Kaidan." Lynch's voice was fierce. "You are. And think how it would look if you weren't punished for murdering him."

Kaidan laughed, the sound bitter and cynical. "Sure. Tell whoever. Broadcast it to the universe. Explain why you had a turian mercenary assaulting human children. That will go over really well." One corner of his mouth kicked up in what should have been humor and was far from it. "Besides, by now you've _repurposed_ the body. Who will believe you?"

Lynch seemed to pull back and regroup. "Intelligence and control like yours shouldn't be wasted, Alenko. It won't be wasted, I promise you that."

"We're done." Kaidan told him in flat tones and moved past the average looking man, making certain he didn't touch him. He didn't want to be accused of 'assaulting' the other man unless he'd actually pounded his face into the ground.

"We'll talk again soon, Alenko." Lynch called in a friendly voice.

A faint shiver ran through Kaidan. A feeling that he was trapped and the only way out was the one he was carefully being steered toward. A feeling he thought he'd be free of once he left Brain Camp.

He couldn't go back. He wouldn't go back. He'd unleash a biotic kick strong enough to kill anyone who tried to make him…

Kaidan turned a corner, his biotics whirling up about him and slammed into a solid mass that bounced him back slightly.

"Whoa, easy, son." The mass said with genial humor.

Kaidan staggered back and blinked as color surged up his cheeks. A tall, muscular man with a short military buzz stood before him, a friendly expression on his face.

"Sorry, sir." Kaidan said, embarrassed that he'd been so caught up in getting away from Lynch that he'd lost track of his immediate surroundings. "Are you okay? I didn't hurt you?"

The question seemed to amuse the older man. "I don't think you could, son." Was the gentle answer before dark eyes slanted and studied him more closely. "You're an L2?"

Kaidan braced himself for the inevitable fear and hate that usually accompanied that bit of knowledge. "Yes." The answer was terse. "I'm sorry I ran into you…" He tried to move past the giant only to have a large hand take his arm.

"I'd like to buy you lunch." The large man said, halting his retreat.

Of course.

Kaidan let a cynical sigh exhale out. "Conatix? What Lynch is bad cop, you're good cop? The answer is no. No now. No forever." He jerked his arm free and shoved past him.

"Actually it's Alliance Military." Came the words after him. "Lieutenant Commander David Anderson. You are?"

Cursing the stupid manners his mother had brainwashed him with, Kaidan faltered midstep and turned about. "Kaidan Alenko. Have a nice life." He was determined to get away and managed another step.

"Are you? Having a nice life?" The voice came closer. "I see shabby clothes and a frame far too skinny for a biotic, let alone an L2 which tells me you're not eating enough."

Kaidan's jaw clenched and he jerked around. "What do you want? If it's a blow job the pros are two blocks south."

Dark eyes assessed him again, the expression on the broad features revealing nothing. "I want to know what you're running from, son. I want to know if I can help."

"Right." Kaidan shook his head. "Because you're good and kind hearted and love everyone."

Anderson's mouth kicked up in a smile. "I'm special forces, son. Rank of N7. I'm a tough son of a bitch that smart folks run from. When I look in the mirror I have trouble not scaring myself and I see something in you that reminds me of just how tough I am."

Kaidan blinked at him confused. "Well, this is definitely a different approach." He said but he could hear the uncertainty in his own voice.

"You killed a turian mercenary with a biotic kick everyone thought only asari were capable of." Anderson continued, his expression never changing. "You're a rare stable L2 biotic. You didn't honestly think no one would be watching you?"

There it was. Kaidan tossed his hands. "Leave me the fuck alone. I will not work for Conatix…"

"Conatix is in bankruptcy and hopes having you as a poster boy will encourage investors to make them solvent again." Anderson interrupted in blunt tones. "They're desperate and desperate, greedy corporations are no match for a boy barely old enough to legally drink."

"What do you want?" Kaidan all but shouted the words, at the end of his patience.

"To protect you." Anderson answered, his voice calm and steady. "The Alliance can offer you protection from Conatix. We can offer you a career and stability. Purpose."

Mouth open, Kaidan stared at him. "You are fucking kidding me. You're recruiting me?" The last was said with sneered derision. "Numbers must be pretty damn low if you're this desperate."

"Or maybe the Alliance is just smart enough to know the potential of a damn good soldier when they see one." Anderson's voice remained steady, his gaze on him. "Potential we'd hate to see wasted. Or worse. Broken."

Kaidan flinched back as the bigger man suddenly moved closer, his hands misting with blue and black as he raised them, prepared to attack.

Anderson held out a small ID chit that flashed with his personal contact info. "Think about it, Alenko. A lot of eyes are on you and if I were you, I'd be pissed, too. Because someday soon the choice is going to be taken away from you. By Conatix. By nutjobs in the government who think all biotics should be documented and licensed like animals. By someone else who may make Conatix look like a bunch of peace loving nuns."

Cold fear rolled with anger in Kaidan's gut as his expression showed the first signs of bitter defeat. "And what makes the Alliance any better than any of them?"

A wide smile flashed across Anderson's face. "We'll give you a gun and teach you how to use it. To defend yourself. To defend others. We'll give you a brotherhood that will stand between you and any enemy that comes after you. We'll give you shitty rations and crappy hours and a sense of satisfaction in a job well done that you won't find anywhere else. We'll give you, Kaidan Alenko, something to protect."

Fear was replaced by a surge of want so deep the emotion surprised and scared him.

"You're good, I'll give you that." Kaidan took the chit, his chin lifting with cocky defiance. "You just gave me a damn good reason to get the hell off this rock."

"And go where?" Anderson moved past him, walking away. "Do you think there is anywhere you could run and hide that you can't be found? Think about it, Alenko, and while you're thinking about it, think about this…the boy who killed that turian merc didn't run. He was too busy protecting a friend."

Kaidan stiffened, his eyes narrow on the retreating figure until he could be seen no more. Then his eyes dropped to the ID chit flashing against fingers grimed with grease and dirt, the nails chewed down farther than was healthy.

Swearing softly he flung the chit to the gutter and continued on to his apartment.

* * *

"He's healthy. Too skinny." The relief had the older man's voice shaking and he vainly tried to control it. "I owe you, David."

"I saw the reports on him, Ken. His evaluations. Leadership potential, respectful of authority but unhesitating in the face of a threat. You raised a good kid." David Anderson settled back, beer in hand as he spoke to the link. "And he's headed for a bad fall. I've heard rumors Conatix is pushing to have him declared unstable. Since he hasn't given them anything to use against him, they'll have to either force the issue or buy a witness. Either gets them what they want."

"Can you block them? They nearly killed him the first time…" Ken's blue eyes were intense, his expression determined.

Anderson shook his head. "He needs to make up his own mind, Ken. If we force him to take this step we'll be no better than Conatix. I'll let him think about it, give him a couple of days. If he doesn't contact me, I'll arrange another talk with him."

Ken rubbed the back of his neck, his expression so like his son's that Anderson smiled briefly. "Thank you for doing this. When his mother and I saw him…I should never have let them take him, David. Never."

"From what I remember, you didn't have much of a choice. How is Anna, anyway?" Anderson grinned at his memory of the diminutive wife who made up for her size by managing everyone around her with the skill of a Rear Admiral directing a fleet.

"Going nuts over the new grandbaby, of course." Ken laughed, but the troubled look never really left his face. "Is this the best course, David? The Alliance? It's not what I would have chosen for him."

"What are the alternatives? He's too strong to be ignored, Ken. Killing that turian was proof of that. Better he find a place that will value him and give him freedom at the same time." Anderson took a long swallow. "Besides, the Alliance needs him. Maybe that will be good enough a reason."

Ken nodded. "Let me know, will you? One way or the other."

"I promise you that, old friend."

* * *

He wasn't really sure why his thoughts kept going back to the Alliance drone. He'd lain awake, staring at the molding roof of his cramped and probably toxic apartment with the words running over and over in his head.

_We'll give you something to protect._

The cynical, bitter side of him scorned the words as Alliance propaganda and called him a fool for even listening. The bruised and battered side of him, the lost part that still reeled at the memory of the twisted alien neck, the expression of horror and fear on the face of the girl he'd thought he'd loved, that voice clung to the words like a drowning man did a line of rope.

Something to protect.

The words were still circling his thoughts the next day as he wandered to the Alliance portion of the space dock where service men and women were constantly loading and off loading from shuttles, battered duffels slung over backs, other bits and pieces of equipment belted, hung or carried about them.

They moved with a purpose, as if they knew where they were going and what they would do when they got there. There was a cocky lift to their strides, both men and women. One that dared the world to take them on because they had more than what was needed to meet the challenge. Some, obviously just back from assignments, had a tense energy to them and were too loud, too belligerent and too excited as if determined to have as much fun as possible and live for that day, the problems of tomorrow be damned.

"Awesome, aren't they?" A female voice said from his side, her tones dreamy and almost worshipful.

Kaidan looked down at the skinny teenager who'd moved next to him. "The soldiers?" He asked, a faint smile on his lips at the adoration in her face.

"Alliance military personnel." She corrected glanced up at him with dark eyes before looking back. "Look at 'em. Badasses, every one of them. Throw 'em against anything and they'll bleed to get the job done."

"You a groupie?" He'd heard of them. Women and men who clung to the fringes of the military, drawn by the uniforms and some mystic he'd never understood.

"Nope." She shook her head. "I'm going to be one of them as soon as I can join. I'm going to prove that I have everything it takes to be the best damn Alliance officer there is."

Kaidan envied the conviction in her tone, the utter determination. For a moment he hesitated and then shrugged, figuring she'd give him more of an honest answer than Anderson or any other recruiter. "Why? What's the appeal? You get yelled at, they toss you into combat where people shoot at you, you have to get up early in the morning. Why put yourself into it?"

Her expression transformed from average to true beauty as she turned to him, her hands becoming animated. "You don't understand…they will take what you are, what you have and they will make it better. They will push you harder than you think you can take and then they'll tell you to give them more…and they'll help you find more to give. Any weakness, any fear, they'll strip it from you and leave you with who you truly are."

Kaidan stared at her, his eyes slightly wide. "And you want that?" He asked in disbelief. "They'll break you, they'll spit on the pieces and they'll toss aside the remains once they have no more use for you."

She was already shaking his head midway through his words. "No they won't because you'll have your brothers and sisters at your back covering your ass. Soldiers protect each other. They help each other succeed…"

"You're naïve." Kaidan shook his head, dismissive. "Look at them…the ones coming back from combat." He waved a hand toward a weary bunch staggering down a cargo lift, battered and dirty duffle bags in their hands. "They're tired. They're shell shocked. Spit on them and they'd fall over."

The girl gave a snorting laugh. "Spit on them and they'll take a knife to your throat. If you're lucky someone might stop them before they carve an apology from you."

"Great. Thanks. That answers that question." He shoved his hands out as if waving a problem away and turned his back to the troop.

"Wait…I'm not saying this right." There was frustrated note in her voice that had him allowing the grip on his arm to turn him back toward her. "It's…it's more about who you are, who you can be. What you can be. It's about what you can do." She returned to the low crates they had been standing next to and leaned on one, her beautiful brown eyes glowing as she looked at the soldiers. "They'll help you learn who you are. What you're capable of. Once you learn that, they'll teach you how to be even better. They'll teach you things about yourself that you can't learn anywhere else."

"But are they worth learning?" Kaidan asked in bitter tones looking about them. "And will you live long enough to learn them?"

She shook her head, brown hair scattering from a messy ponytail. "You can't know that until you've been there. They give you a chance. When nobody else wants to, when everybody else is kicking you down, they'll give you a chance to be better than you are. To be better than your father and grandfather are." The last was muttered and he wasn't sure he was meant to hear it.

"I…was told they would give you something…" He paused and could feel a blush working its way up his cheeks but he forced the words out. "That they would give you something to protect."

She looked at him shoving hair out of her eyes. "Well, yeah. Humans are new to the galactic field. There are aliens that would rather see us enslaved or dead. The Alliance makes sure we're protected. That we don't just get stomped into the ground because we're the new guy."

"And that's all it takes?" Kaidan murmured, still unhappy as he looked at her.

A one shoulder shrug was his answer. "I don't want to be like the rest of the kids my age. I don't want to worry more about getting my hair done, marrying the right person, having two point four kids and a house in the suburbs. I don't want that. I want to be the person who protects those who do want that." She paused a moment looking away and then licked her lips. "I want to be the one who answers 'I can' when duty whispers low."

There was something…he'd heard that somewhere…

"Emerson. Old Earth Poet. Ralph Waldo Emerson." The name popped to his lips almost as quickly as he thought it.

This time she blushed. "Yeah. _Voluntaries_. There's a whole bit…it's part of why I want to be a soldier."

"Tell me." He smiled, charmed by her obvious discomfort.

She hesitated then shrugged and seemed to plunge in.

"In an age of fops and toys,

Wanting wisdom, void of right,

Who shall nerve heroic boys

To hazard all in Freedom's fight, -

Break sharply off their jolly games,

Forsake their comrades gay,

And quit proud homes and youthful dames,

For famine, toil, and fray?

Yet on the nimble air benign

Speed nimbler messages,

That waft the breath of grace divine

To hearts in sloth and ease.

So nigh is grandeur to our dust,

So near is God to man,

When duty whispers low, Thou must,

The youth replies, I can."

Kaidan let the words continue to wash over him even as the echo of her voice faded under the normal clangs and bumps of the dock they stood at.

_They'll give you something to protect._

There was no swamp of emotion. No bolt of lightning. Just a soft settling of something in his soul giving him the first peace he'd felt in months.

Conatix would never let him go, not if given a chance. They'd trump up some charge, scare some official into declaring him a danger and stealing his freedom away. And he couldn't exactly stop being an L2. The power he held, for good or bad, was his and he didn't want to be afraid of it, of what he could do with it anymore.

If he was going to watched, going to be documented for whatever reason they trumped up, science, security, whatever, he wanted it to be on his terms. Under his control.

"Thank you." He said quietly pushing his thoughts aside to look at the young woman standing next to him.

Another blush covered her cheeks. "That's not the usual reaction I get when I start spouting poetry." She stumbled over the words. "I'm just…I mean…"

"There you are!" An irritated voice called as a younger version of the teenager before him, this one having yet to firmly take a hold on puberty, came marching up. "You can flirt later! Dad wants us back at the commissary right now."

The blush brightened to a fiery red. "Sarah, I swear to God I am going to kill you."

"Do it later, we have to go!" The younger one began jerking her arm.

Trying to ignore her younger sister, she shoved her hair out of her eyes again and looked at Kaidan. "It was good to meet…you know, talk…_knock it off, Sarah!_"

Kaidan grinned. "You, too." He said with a nod. "Thanks."

"Come on, Ash! Dad will birth kittens if we don't hurry! Especially if he finds out you were flirting with a cute boy."

An expression of utter humiliation seemed to crest over the teenager's face and she gave up the fight letting her sister drag her away.

Kaidan laughed softly and looked back at the compound once more as the most prominent thought persisted to ring at him.

His own terms.

* * *

The signal was put through with an immediacy that made Lieutenant Commander David Anderson wonder if his old friend hadn't been sitting by the transmitter, waiting.

"He signed up today." Anderson said in lieu of any greeting unable to let another minute add to the weary fear on the other man's face. "I pulled some strings and had him put under a good sergeant…one who won't break him before he's even had a chance."

Ken Alenko's face crumpled in relief, his eyes growing wet.

"It's a start. A steady income, food, clothes. We'll put the weight back on that he's lost." Anderson continued as if Ken had spoken. "There are already several brass that are interested in the military applications of a steady L2 biotic."

"No!" Ken clenched his fists. "That's why they took him in the first…"

"Easy, Ken. They aren't experimenting on him, they're letting him do his own thing." Anderson reached for the glass of bourbon he'd poured before making the call. "They want him to succeed just as much as we do."

"You're sure this is the best course for him?" Ken asked and then shook his head. "No. Never mind. It's better than the alternative. Sorry, David. I just want…I want him to be happy. And safe."

Anderson stared into his glass and thought of another boy he wished the same things for. "Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is standing back and letting them find their own path, Ken. You've done all you can. Trust the rest to Kaidan."

There was silence for a long moment. "You'll keep an eye on him?"

"I would even if he weren't your son, Ken. He has the makings of a fine officer. The Alliance could use a dozen more like him." Anderson set the glass down.

"Thank you, David. I mean that. If there is anything you need from me…"

Anderson laughed. "I'll make sure I ask Anna's permission first. Just like you do, old friend." He said and shut the link down as peremptorily as he'd started it.

It was a father's prerogative to worry, the N7 mused staring at the answers in the depths of his drink. But the day always came when he had to step back and let his son rise or fall on his own, trusting that the lessons learned so far would carry him through.

As a soldier who'd seen many others come and go, Lieutenant Commander David Anderson had a good feeling about this new one. It would be interesting to see the kind of soldier Kaidan Alenko would become.

* * *

New hair cut. New clothes. A full stomach. A room full of kids his own age trying to absorb the new life they'd embarked on.

Kaidan stared at the bottom of the bunk over his, his arms stretched behind his head as he tried to analyze what his gut was telling him.

He was…happy. Excited.

This was right. He would use the power he'd been born with…the power he'd used to kill...and he'd learn to use it to protect. And maybe…maybe someday he'd even find a woman who would see past his L2 status and see him. See him and not be afraid of him.

She was out there, he was sure. The woman he was someday going to protect.


End file.
